Holiday Blues, Future Directions
Ron Knights
Posts: 1,805
I'm experiencing the usual Holiday Blues, in the form or massive depression, and unrelenting panic attacks. The COVID crisis has made it all but impossible to see my family, even though they're only around 30 miles away.
I'm very tired of all the relentlessly hopeful holiday movies. I'm working, again, on my own, more realistic story of a man who faces his holiday blues, and considers his hopeless life. Life is messy. A man might be extremely depressed, struggle with his feelings, only to, in the end, merely muddle through another day.
I'll concentrate on the written word at first. I'll share my story on my web site. As the story takes shape, I'll try to do some illustrations.
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Comments
..hang in there and stay safe.
Similar feelings here.
What's left of my family is scattered about the other side of the country, haven't seen any of them in years as I can't afford to travel much anymore even if there were no restrictions. (sleepers on trains have become bloody expensive lately). I have my art & writing as well, but with all that's been going on in the nation and world right now, it is pretty tough to have a upbeat outlook sometimes which can affect the muse.
I guess one of the saving graces is I've always been something of a "hermit" even when I was young, though there are still times we need a little live social contact now & then Been muddling through the months so much, I actually have to check the calendar occasionally to see what day it is.
as a loner I wish the social distancing could continue
the 1.5 meters that is, I hate people breathing down my neck!!!!
Covid is the world I always dreamed of.
This ^^
I prefer my circle quality over quantity. Us introverts were born for this. lol
Thanks for your comments, and support my friends. You can always believe that I will survive even the most dreadful depression. I know that things will sometimes improve, even a little. That faith, that optimism, is enough to keep me determined to survive, and one day thrive.
I might start drawing "by hand" again. I'll need to buy new art supplies. Over the years, for various reasons, I've gotten rid of all the art supplies I had purchased. This might be a good time for making art purchases. Then I can have panic or anxiety attacks as I contemplate every new stroke of the pencil!
might not seem much consolation, but loads of us feeling the blues this year harder than usual.
i miss drinking at the pub, talking to people. i live alone at home. my human contact is text messages.
afraid to adopt a dog, if i lose my job, poor thing will starve and freeze to death.
That's a good idea. I get affected by the seasons and winter is the worst time of year for me. I've picked up chainmaille jewelry making again and I like to draw too - either one helps to alleviate the depression a bit ;). My 3D muse has been on vacation for well over a year, so I had to do something else until I get inspired again...whenever that may be :P
Are there counseling services in your area? Perhaps seek a referral by speaking to your doctor. Counseling online might help you some relief from your depression and anxiety. You can contact the department of health in your area for information about free and low cost options https://www.mentalhealth.gov/
Bless you Ron... you're doing the right thing by talking about it.
...yeah I never liked crowds which is why I rarely attend any events except for the Symphony or films at a rep Cinema (which often have seating more reasonably spaced with tables for food & drink between rows). I often do my necessary shopping at off peak times during the day and strictly avoided going near any retail establishment on "Black Friday" or a mall during the Yule shopping season.
One of the things I also miss from the lockdown last spring and early summer is the absence of traffic in my neighbourhood. It seemed so nice and quiet as well as less oppressive and dangerous. Now its back to playing "dodge 'em cars" on my market trips and walks..
...+1
Not only do I get my personal space enforced everywhere I go, there's sanatising wipes and soap dispensers basically where ever I go! Right now my OCD/Germaphobic/Introverted tendencies have basically become the normal practices for everyone here. I hate COVID, it needs to DIAF but I don't hate how everyone stays back and obsesses over washing their hands like me.
I've been treated for depression and anxiety/panic attacks for decades. The best I've accomplished is an uneasy, unsteady movement through the worst of times into somewhat better times,. In 2005 I reached the most drastic downfall when I lost yet another job, and my wife of 5 years told me our relationship was over. I looked back at my history, and noted that I'd lost every job I'd had due to my depression, anger, etc. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I decided that day to stop looking for work, and applied for Social Security Disability. In 2007 I was granted the disability, and received $27,000 back pay.
Around the same time, I had all my remaining bad teeth removed, and had gone a year without teeth. Then I got new dentures for free because I had lived on welfare for over a year while I awaited the decision on Social Security. When I got my Disability money, I bought my first Macintosh computer, and started making YouTube videos. I achieved a minor amount of recognition. My videos were mostly Vlogs, where I talked about my life, and interest in Tech, etc. Unfortunately, I attracted some trolls who drove me to the point of considering suicide. I limped through that period, around 2011, and quit doing videos. I deleted hundreds of videos.
I live in a small town. We have some decent medical facilities, but some services require us to go to a different town or city for service. This area is best serviced by people who have cars. A few months ago, I went to see a an orthopedist about my bad knee. I had to pay $100 for transportation to and from the doctor. I'd need to pay more to see a psychiatrist. I tried a virtual meeting with my sleep doctor. But I messed up the sign in on my iPad, and got frozen out. I waited several months before I tried again. I'm still locked out.... I get panic attacks thinking about what I need to do in order to try signing in again.
There may well be options that don't involve travel - I don't know if the US has an equivalent of Samaritans, but I would assume so, and I know the NHS offers some phone-based consultations. Those obviosuly won't address the major issues but they may well help with coping day-to-day.
I'm the opposite. I love every silly harmless hopeful old TV series or movie I see. I'm enjoying the 60s Flipper TV Series and the 50s & 60s Gumby & Pokey Series. I'm so appreciative of a good pleasant attitude but everytime I look on Facebook it's unrelenting negativity and disaster and heartbreak and worry in those posts other make. With 250 or some odd facebook friends and a natural inclination to worry exacerbated by my TBI, 250 FB friends moaning about their lives is just too much but I still can't resist checking on them anyway. Ugh!
I've had a couple of real panic attacks that lasted 15 minutes or so in a State Competition for Advertising I qualified for in high school (I was terrified I'd place and have to show on on stage in front of a massive audience) and one in the military in sergeant training class PLDC. It's sort of wierd, you sit there mentally panicking but just ignoring it because you know mentally and logically if you outwardly freak out then they are going to freak out and get you thrown in jail, on medicine, institutionalized, not sure what they do, but I knew the panic attacks were nonsense and not to risk outwardly expressing it if I valued my freedom. When panic attacks are that short in duration and that few and far between they are easy to handle.
What's not been easy to handle is my traumatic brain injury has basically set off, since Feb 2009, an unrelenting 24 hour (OK 16 hour) /7 days a week / 365 days a year / 12 year long panic attack. It's absolutely exhausting of course and I'm surprised and flabbergasted actually such a unrelentling panic attack is even physically possible. Why hasn't it broken me after 12 years? Seems impossible. The only respite I get is sleep, which is sound, if interrupted, because I am so exhausted after 16 hours of going about life in a panic attack. Of course for the sake of everybody I come in contact with or nearby I pretending every second I'm not in a panic attack.
Oddly, the panic attacks don't make me depressed, I'm actually constantly hopeful, but they are a manifistation of a social anxiety disorder my TBI caused to be developed. The anxiety is of harm to any and every creature. I get hugely upset if I hit a bug with my lawnmower and kill it for example. I'll be upset for hours and days and even on remembering killing the bug years later. It now takes hours longer for me to mow the lawn because I move so slow waiting for the bugs to run away. Sometimes I have to pick them up and carry them away. Same with driving a vehicle. And reading the news is a tearfest disaster for me everyday but I feel I must to be avoidant of putting myself in the unfortunate situations of those folk in those newspapers. I know that's an unspoken wish of theirs for us others, it's human instinct.
But Christmas & the Holidays? I like them and they are a cheery reason to enjoy other's relaxed fun that I now have too much anxiety to enjoy anymore & I am thankful for their enjoyment. It's a small pleasure, true, but hey, nowadays I will take what I can get!
LOL, anyway, Merry Christmas!
Richard Haseltine, some services are available via Virtual Visit. A few months ago, I attempted a Virtual Visit with my Sleep Doctor (I suffer from sleep apnea). I had sign in troubles and got locked out. I haven't sorted out the problem because I might need to call someone on the phone. I will likely wait till after the New Year and try again. I had to see a doctor in person to look at my knee. I wanted to see a doctor about the rash on my face. That would require a $100 taxi fare, round trip.
nonesuch00, I feel for you. I also feel fortunate that my problems are much less than yours, even though they are the reason I live like a hermit. I don't drive because it costs money to have a car. I don't dare drive because of my sleep apnea. I'm afraid of falling asleep while driving.
mwokee, that sounds great!
+1
Over the past couple days I lifted my spirits a bit by working on the setup of two of my Sharp Roku TVs. I deleted the streaming services I don't use, and rearranged the remaining icons to my liking. Then I looked at Amazon Prime. For months neither TV showed graphics on Amazon Prime. I did a Google search and found the solution. I deleted Amazon Prime, reset the TV, reinstalled Amazon Prime. Next, I "reconnected" the TVs to my Amazon Prime account. All that was needed was to enter a specific code on each TV.
Oh, and I got Disney Plus working on the bedroom TV!
Here's to all you lonely dark planets drifting by out there in that vast universe. A minute ago I thought I managed this Christmas pretty well, considering. Now after reading your sad posts I'm going to get myself a drink. And I don't even know any of you, not even online. Still, please know this: there's other dark planets like you, and contact IS possible. Keep reaching out. We hear you.
Well the previous thread, which was closed by an award-winning thread killer, was about what technology items could be a lot of fun for under $600. And I think the best one would be a drone, particularly the Mavic Mini 2. They're easy to fly and the video is so sharp they make anything look good. And the aerial shots are very relaxing to watch. They're easy to fly too. The video they record is silent, but very good. They make good content for YouTube videos but you have to have some kind of certification if you profit from it, at least in the United States. And you could even use it to take still pictures without a tripod.
NylonGirl, thanks for the suggestion. However I would be afraid to even fly such a device. I'd much prefer something I could use inside!
Threads like this are hard for me. I have a hard time understanding (and dealing with) mental disorders like panic attacks, depression, OCD, bi polar, ect because they don't effect me. My ex wife suffered from depression and it took me awhile to figure out how to deal with it, and I have worked with a few with bi polar disorder and it scared me at times. Holidays are hectic for most, so I can imagine how they must be for others with disorders.
As for introvert vs extrovert, I was a musician for 20+ years and never wanted to stay inside since I felt I was missing out on life and I had to be the center of the party. Now that i am no longer a musician and have been working in retail management, I really prefer to just stay at home, get deliveries and chill since I deal with 100s of people daily. If it wasn't for my GF, who is quite a bit younger than me, I probably would never go out, LOL.
despite what anyone has to deal with and overcome, I hope all have a sane, safe and happy holiday.
seek help if you need it please
and yes, I am a loner and not prone to such melancholy either except when being actively bullied like I was at work, being by myself now everyday is an immense relief, no presents parties etc is how I like it.
we are all wired differently
Christmas can be hard an complicated. We bring a lot of expectations and baggage to it. I think it's important to unhitch all that baggage and expectation and just approach it as another day.
Are you better off than where you were?
Can tomorrow get better?
What can I do to make today pleasant for myself?
I think that next year, we will have contests about how ridiculous Christmas 2020 was. In the meantime, while we're actually living it, I think we should just do the things that bring us comfort. Or do something wacky, like dress up like Godzilla leveling a town, and send photos of that out to everyone you know.
All bets are off, really. Just do you, and have some fun.
lol Covid wear is the new mullet. Business from the waist up, nap time from the waist down.
Today's remedy for Christmas Eve Blues is a Disney Pixar marathon. Disney Plus is a really great service.
...yeah wish I could stream films, but old gear here, and Chrome likes to go into bouts of "not responding" requiring the three finger salute to clear them. Saves me money on subscriptions I guess. I'm lucky to be able to watch a 20 - 25 min newscast, tutorial, or other vid on a topic I have an interest in withiout it being interrupted.
Only happens with video/live feeds (so can't use Zoom or Google Hangouts) and FB.
What about Firefox?