OT: Lets laugh instead of complaining
Dino Gramps
Posts: 0
My 16 1/2 month old grandson just left after a wonderful visit. Makes me a less grumpy person. We need a diversion from the intensity of some of the other topics. Let's laugh at some jokes. I'll start.
A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the readhead accepted.
Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks. "I can't take this, you're my best friend."
The blonde looked at her, "Just take it."
"Well, I saw this on the 5;00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off."
The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again
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Comments
Not jokes, but funny quotes...
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. - Carl Sandburg
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. - Henry A. Kissinger
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. - Henny Youngman
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Eliphino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Otpjj-1uBJs&feature=youtu.be
"A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the
egg is frowning and looking a bit miffed. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question..."
Not a joke, but just a little cutesy story (at least to me)
In my dining room, we have one of those glass sliding doors into our back yard. On the dining room table, the cornier nearest to the door is a tall stack of newspaper. We also have a 13 yr old dog, Pipper.
Last Saturday, a nice, bright shiny warm day, I was sitting at the table and I heard a light scratching at the door. Thinking Pipper wanted to go out, I looked over there. Didn't see her. Went back to what I was doing. Heard the scratching again. Still didn't see her head at the door. Went to lean over to look around the table and its stack of newspapers. Realized Pipper was laying peacefully at my feet. So I definitely had to look. Leaning over and under, I saw, scratching at the door to come in, an adorable young golden squirrel. Sat back up and reached for my phone. Leaned back under/around to take a picture, The squirrel ran out of view to the left. Then ran back to the door. I started taking the picture. It ran to the right - blurry picture. It came back. I started taking another picture. It ran off to the left. Picture taken. It did not come back again.
Photo is still on my phone otherwise I would share it.
Q: Why did the T. Rex cross the road?
A: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet!
Q: How can you tell there's a Stegosaurus in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't close!
Q: Why did carnivorous dinosaurs eat raw meat?
A: Because they didn't know how to barbecue!
Q. What dinosaur could jump higher than a house?
A. All of them. Houses can't jump!
A baby fur seal waddles into the bar, the barman says "hi there little fellah, what can I get you?"
"anything but a Canadian Club on ice thanks sir"
Okay... a picture from some long, crazy reply I gave in some long forgotten thread (or quite frankly it could have been a week ago... my memory is terrible lately)... The dreaded bloodthirsty dictator Muammar Giraffi:
~ROFLMAO~ I literally laughed out loud at this one. ~hee, hee, hee~
~ROFLMAO~ I literally laughed out loud at this one. ~hee, hee, hee~
That was funny as hell.
I was considering some political jokes, but then I realized they all have the same problem: They keep getting elected.
The boss giving you a rough time? Just try these "attainable affirmations," and your work week is sure to fly by!
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute...I'll find someone.
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
OK, a chemist, an artist and an engineer were having a discussion. The topic was, "Is it better to have a Mistress or a Wife?"
The Artist: Of course it is better to have a MIstress! There will always be an air of mystery and danger. You never know what will happen next!
The Engineer: No, no. You need a Wife because a solid foundation gives you the stability to build a life together!
The Chemist: Both.
Artist & Engineer: Both??? Are you mad????
Chemist: No, you need both. Each thinks you are with the other one so you can go back to the lab and get some work done...
A scientist at the local university found himself one summer without any grant money. So he asked around town if anyone would be willing to hire him to apply his skills and knowledge to any problems they had. A local dairy farmer decided it might be worthwhile to hire the scientist to work on the issue of increasing milk production.
A deal was signed. The scientist got money and some space in the barn to work on the issue of increasing milk production.
After about two months, the farmer was wondering if he was getting his money's worth. After all, he never saw the scientist feeding the cows, or milking them, or doing any farm chores. All he ever did was spend his day in the barn with his chalkboard. The farmer asked the scientist if he had made any progress on the issue of milk production and the scientist replied that he had made tremendous progress and he would love to share his findings with the farmer. The next morning, the farmer goes to the barn to see what the scientist has accomplished.
The scientist goes to the blackboard, draws a large circle and begins, "Assume a spherical cow of uniform density...."
Hmmm...
No Cow Jokes yet??
Gotta do something about that!
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"
What did the Zen Master say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
"Make me one with everything!"
Sockratease -
That is the funniest cow joke I've heard. LOL.
The Hot Dog Vendor, having been in this joke before, replies, "That'll be three bucks."
The Zen Master gaives the Hot Dog Vendor a five-dollar bill, and gets a dog with the works. The Zen Master asks, "Where's my change?"
The Hot Dog Vendor replies, "Change only comes from within."
The Hot Dog Vendor, having been in this joke before, replies, "That'll be three bucks."
The Zen Master gaives the Hot Dog Vendor a five-dollar bill, and gets a dog with the works. The Zen Master asks, "Where's my change?"
The Hot Dog Vendor replies, "Change only comes from within."
Dang those hot dog vendors!
They're the scourge of Zen Masters everywhere.
OK, one for us Rednecks...
Cousin Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.
With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough Cousin Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."
"Jeez, Cousin Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
A dog limps into a frontier saloon, hobbles over to the bar, and says to the barkeep, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
Cow joke for Sockratease
There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd. The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
oh and then you can have
Famous philosophy, done for cows:
Nietzsche: To moo is to be.
Sartre: To be is to moo.
Sinatra: Moo be moo be moo.
The Revolution came, and the commissar went door-to-door explaining Communism... but one farmer just didn't get it.
"Let me tell you this way - if one man has no tractor but his neighbour has two tractors, we take one tractor from the man who has two and give it to the man who doesn't have any. That's good, isn't it?"
"Da, is good!"
"And if one man has no chickens but his neighbour has two chickens, we take one chicken from the man who has two and give it to the man who doesn't have any. That's good, isn't it?"
"Da, is good!"
"And if one man has no cows but his neighbour has two cows, we take one cow from the man who has two and give it to the man who doesn't have any. That's good, isn't it?"
"Nyet, is not good!"
"Why not?"
"I have two cows."