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Hey all, I hope this isn't too off-topic, but my cousin is writing a book and has reached out to me for some help and advice. The first thing I told him to do was write a blub/summary of the book so other people will get an idea of what it's about. I worked with him a bit to tighten it up and not reveal any spoilers, but to just reveal enough so the reader has an idea of what they would be getting. I would really like your critical feedback on it.
“Listen, and listen carefully Charlie for your life may depend on it. I have heard rumors of this place, this N'or and its various names. It is a dark place, a place of death, misery and despair."
Once recognized as a heroine, Charlie, a simple farmer, joins the war party against N'or, a previously unknown city wreathed in mystery and far to the north. Her goals are simple: Join in the retaliation against the brutal murder of their scout and bring home enough riches to support her family for the next few years. As the longboats are being loaded, Charlie meets a strangely dressed man named Timothy deep in the woods not far from her home. He claims to be a member of The Wardens, a not-so-secret society that protects and seeks knowledge. For reasons known only to him, Timothy takes a curious interest in her and advises her not to join the war party.
Charlie, still determined and feeling bound by duty, presses the decision to go and so he gives her a pouch of rune stones to perhaps aid her. With shield, sword, bow and the newly acquired gift, Charlie boards the longboats and sets sail.
N'or however proves more than Charlie was prepared for. Now separated and alone, Charlie must find her way back home. Will her skill with the bow be enough or will she need to master the rune stones resting within the pouch tied to her hip? Will she make it home in time to warn her people of the scourge they have unleashed from N'or? Each step she takes brings her deeper into a world much darker and larger than she ever knew existed.
What exactly is the advise your friend is looking for? The general idea? The angle? The writing style?
In any case, to put something out there, I had a hard time creating a "mind's eye" image of the story from the blurb. (If they are loading longboards, how does Charlie meet the oddly-dressed Timothy "deep in the woods"? -- it may be what's happening, but the phrasing appears a non sequitur, making it harder to imagine.) As an editor, I'd object to constructions like "N'or however proves more than..." as overly talky. But these are far more subjective, and come down to personal preference. Writing style is like skin: it's important to be comfortable in it.
Your cousin might want to join a local writer's workshop, where feedback is faster and more interactive. If you have the interest, a comp cover wouldn't hurt!
Writing blurbs and summaries can often be harder than writing the dadburn book. I think this one is difficult to follow at the moment, but it's like clay, you have to keep working it until it's in the shape you want it to be. Tobor is right, it's hard to see this in the mind's eye as it is.
Where does the story actually begin? Starting the blurb as she's been abandoned in a hostile land might be more gripping. The rest feels like backstory but I haven't read the book, so I don't know.
The blurb definitely needs to be shorter and really grab you, pull you in. We don't need to know that Charlie was once recognized as a heroine. If this is her struggle and her book, we need to instantly identify with her goals, motivation and conflict. There are some excellent books on this, by the way. My favorite is "Goals, Motivation, and Conflict" by Debra Dixon here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DZ01FRY
Here's an attempt:
Separated from a war party bent on revenge, Charlie What's-Her-Name finds herself stranded in a dark, strange land full of secrets. Armed with only her shield, bow, and a pouch of rune stones to guide her, she must find her way back to her people and warn them of the coming scourge.
Good points, and I agree that this is actually harder than writing the book (which is why it's often done by professional editors and copywriters). Your version is good, but it's not the one he's trying to write. Yours reads like the Amazon short sentence that you see when there's a list of books. This one needs to be longer than that and set a little more of the scene and a few expectations about the content and era. I will pass your comments (and any others) along to him, though. Thanks.
To directly answer your question, he's looking for a reaction to it in general. Does this tell too much, too little? If this were in the genre of books you read, would you want to know any more about it? In other words, would you want to read it?
Style is definitely an issue. I don't mind a little more talky as long as it sets the mood. But that's why this is usually done by pros. But, that's not where he is right now. As for joining a local group -- I think he's not in a large city, so a physical group is not feasible. As for online, he said he tried one and it left a bad taste, so he's resisting trying again. I haven't done an online group before, but I had some annoying experiences in college with various people from the crative writing department, so I can definitely relate. I'll suggest it to him again, though.
As a blurb, there's no effective promise of drama to come, so it wouldn't get me interested in going further. A strangely dressed man who likes to hang out in the park just isn't captivating, nor is the allusion to "known only to himself." Maybe he's just a recluse who doesn't know how to dress. Give us a reason to want to learn more.
The style is awkward, and needs work. Prose like "Once recognized as a heroine, Charlie, a simple farmer, joins the war..." just doesn't flow. This and other passages have a halting quality that makes reading a chore.
Hitchcock was fond of the "MacGuffin," an expositional device that is revealed early in the story, and which describes the initial goal of the main character. The reader/audience needs to care about this goal, or at least be curious enough to keep watching/reading. In your cousin's blurb, we learn the N'or (-wegians?) killed somebody, so the initial goal is to avenge the murder by wiping out all of the people, and rob them of their possessions. I don't know about you, but it doesn't sound very principled -- xenocide for the murder of a single scout? Not saying all characters have to be noble, but I'm not sure readers will like this character enough to invest their time in her.
(If it were me, I'd make her goal more personal. I mean, scouts get killed. That's part of their job description. Can it be her brother? Someone else *she* specifically cares about? Maybe the N'or killed more than just the scout -- perhaps a whole remote village. In any case, I think it's okay to reveal more juicy bits about the story, as long at's done with an eye toward building suspense. I got the feeling the author is trying to hold back too much. It ends up being too little to make it an interesting endeavor for the reader.)
You'd be surprised about the groups -- though I haven't been to one in maybe 40 years, they're in just about every community. Craigslist is a good source for finding meet-ups. I think your cousin could be well served with the back-and-forth of discussion in real time. Anyway, it's just a thought, and could save your cousin some time in developing a workable style he's comfortable with.
Mmitchell, there are some great online groups for writers of all levels, genres, personalities and walks of life. I would recommend trying WritersDigest.com and Facebook. Best wishes to your cousin!
For anyone who is interested: My book is free for the next three days: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01M4G83ZG
Snagged thank you so much! Love the cover as well.
You are so very welcome! Glad you love the cover and hope you enjoy the book as well!
@Llynara I snagged a copy of your book, too. It looks great in black and white on the kindle paperwhite, btw! Very nice and eye catching. Nothing faded off into the background. I don't know when I'll get a chance to read it as I'm struggling juggle too many things right now, but I'll read it as soon as I'm able. :)
Thanks, knittingmommy! I hope you enjoy it. It's a quick read :)
@Llynara I just saw that your cover made it up onto the gallery banner! Congrats!
Oh, I hadn't seen that! Yay! I've never made it up there before, LOL! That's exciting!
Hi all, here's a poster I am doing for Stratfor Global Intelligence. It is a re-worked version of a book cover that I did for them last year. Done in DAZ studio and Carrara.
Robert Zavala
zavalaart.com
zavalastudio@gmail.com
If I could give any advise, I would say you need to cut the blurb down even more. There is far too much detail in it, and then try to focus on 3 key areas.
1) The fact that Charlie used to be a heroine but gave it up.
2) how she is pulled back into the war
3) how the war proves too difficult for her and that she must now return home to warn them. These are the most engaging parts of the story imho.
Blurbs take a long time to write, so this is a really, really rough idea of what I'm talking about- an unpolished first draft if you will:
Charlie used to be a heroine, but gave that life up to work the land. She swore she would never fight again, but when a scout is found brutally murdered she is pulled back into a war that threatens x.
The war proves more than Charlie is prepared for. Now separated and alone, she must find her way back home in time to warn her people of the scourge they have unleashed? Each step brings her deeper into a world much darker and larger than she ever knew existed.
Personally I would leave the part about the stones out, but if you want to add them in then you could cut out a lot of the detail:
When a stranger claiming to be a warder of X, the protectors of secrets, cannot talk her out of going, he gives her a pouch of rune stones to aid her in her quest.
Don't put in too much more detail than that. It just distracts from the core concept.
Very cool poster. I like the basic concept and execution. The barrels are very effective looking.
Regarding the font -- have you tried a slightly bolder typeface? Not much, but just a little. I do like that there are no shadows or glows; the cleanliness is very pleasing. I would suggest moving all the text up about a half inch so that it is just a little higher and farther from the bear's mouth. Right now it looks a little like he's "shouting" out the title words. If there were just a little more distance, I think it would help. Again -- great job.
Just bought the book. It's mostly for my wife (although I will probably read it, too).
Actually, his description of the scout's torture and murder were pretty graphic (and more than enough for the impetus of the plot), but I had suggested toning it down so it wouldn't play up the revenge too much. Although I do take your comment on xenocide with a smile, I'm reminded that the Hunger Games has a pretty brutal concept, so I don't think the revenge element is too strong. Interesting thought about the Nor' wegans. I hadn't considered that possibility. So far, I've not read the book. I probably will before sending it on to a publisher friend of mine. But I wanted him to try his hand at this first.
Very good observations. I'll pass these on to the author and se what he thinks. Personally, I like the mention of the rune stones because they hint at magic in his world. Without that mention, this could be just a historical novel.
Hi, Lynara,
I've sent you a separate note with my comments, but here's the mockup I did on your cover. In short: I used the "golden rectangle" to better, more appropriately place and align your text. The biggest change is that the title is higher and the authors' names are all caps, in flat white. The title, as is, is much too low. The authors' names are too small and should not/not be in initial caps. The names are also disproportionately small with regard to the name of the title. Splitting the names into two lines provides more space for each name. Font is personal choice. I just grabbed one for the names, but whatever font you use, the names should be all caps, with no fancy styling. The goal is legibility from afar -- that readers (buyers) can see and recognize the name in the small thumbnail that Amazon provides.
Nice work, but I don't like the all caps for the author names. Have you considered small caps? Making the first letters a little bigger might help. Just a thought.
Oh, wow, thank you, SuSoleil! I had no idea about a golden triangle. I am still a n00b at the text part of this but I appreciate your input and your time, and most especially the mockup. I just got some books on typography to learn about this. Will look for that golden triangle and do a mockup similar to yours and post here. The book is being very well received. I have a promo running from now until Halloween and have hit the top 20 in Dark Comedy as well as Humorous Fantasy, where it's keeping company with 5 Harry Potter books, 2 Neil Gaiman books, Terry Prachett, The Princess Bride and a Game of Thrones book (believe it or not!)
You can see the rankings here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/bestsellers/books/11764648011
Gives me a thrill! LOL
Oh- and I uploaded a new copy of the book with a "Meet the Supers" index and a few typo fixes. I've asked Amazon to offer it as an update to anyone who's already grabbed it. The list makes it easier to keep track of all the Supers (23 and counting in the first book alone!) I'll also be doing regular features on the Supers (with renders) here: http://www.blackkatseries.com/
Right now I'm still getting content up.
This might be helpful (there's also a part 2)
http://www.coverdesignstudio.com/layout-rule-of-thirds-diagonal-scan-and-more/
Thanks for the link, Ferretmania. And thanks again to SuSoleil. I think I've got it:
PS The launch went great! Digging into the next book for NaNoWriMo, and of course, another cover design!
Wow. What a wonderful render and cover. Excellent work.
The cover is definitely looking sharp. I downloaded the book and got a few pages in before my company arrived for a week-long stay. You definitely piqued my interest and I look forward to reading the rest of it when things settle back down.
This is amazing work. Well done.
Thanks, all! I'm really happy with how the cover and book turned out. Now for the scariest part- doing it again! LOL
FYI- not cover related but book related. Decided to offer Unlucky Charm and my first book, Crazy in the Heart, free on Election Day. They are both romantic comedies, and I wanted to offer people something uplifting to read next week in the midst of all the political nastiness. The links to the books are in my signature. I'll be dropping them down to .99 tonight through Veteran's Day as well, in honor of all my fellow Veterans! (Crazy will be free on Veteran's Day too, but I ran out of free days for Unlucky since I just used most of them.)